been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
