do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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