My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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