I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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