i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He shit in the fireplace
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
