Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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