Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
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I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
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I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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