i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
