Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
