Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
