ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
