2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
