Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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