yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
