laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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