i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples