His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol