ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
