Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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