My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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