He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
