Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
