Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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