I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
