Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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