I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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