My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
