The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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