Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
