I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just threw up on my dentist
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
