apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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