you have to choose: penises or morals?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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