That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
