My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
