A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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