i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
