you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
