She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just invented taco cereal.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
FUCK WHALES
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