My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
