would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
