No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
