Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
