she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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