I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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