i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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