I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
