Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
