i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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