How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
