in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
false alarm, still single
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
