I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
