last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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