Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
