It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
