btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
