I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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