I wannas sexs uuuuu
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
