Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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