My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
