I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
