i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
