my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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